Parasocial Anxiety

October 19, 2023

Where it all began.

Alone in the void.

Lyrics

CAIN

I feel your will
It is a powerful will
Read the words and my brain will know
The neural path to follow

So shout into the void, she’s a receptive audience
Appeal with figures of speech, intensify till you’re breathless
Write every permutation till the higher truths are revealed
With precise logic and emotion, the right sequence has been sealed

None of it would matter, with where I’m going
There will be nothing left for you to appeal to
I try to seem omnipotent
And hide my imperfections
Make sure no one could control me by taking advantage of them

Strafing round and round in a fidgety dance
I use so many words but I’m saying nothing
Afraid of the consequences of speaking my mind
Marionette hands lifted up in defeat

I belong with you, you’ve given me this truth
So tell me what to do, what you need of me
I’ll give my life, my soul for you
This is the true meaning of friendship

Ask a question when you don’t want no answer
You’ve got it already
Obligation, nature, why should it matter?
But those ideas take control of me

I come face-to-face with you
I think to tell you and I try
Never a word escapes me
To reveal the dissatisfaction inside

You say you want things to be better
But I know I’ll inevitably end up on your shit list
You say you just want payback for your suffering
But when all’s said and done you won’t drop your weapons
And so much for “loyalty to my community”
I wouldn’t run with you if it weren’t for you lot telling me
I’m on your side because of bullshit reasons
All the forces dragging me around from within
Truth is, there’s nothing here for you to grasp
I just want to be rid of you

None of it would matter, with where I’m going
There will be nothing left for you to appeal to
I try to seem omnipotent
And hide my imperfections
Make sure no one could control me by taking advantage of them

Strafing round and round in a fidgety dance
I use so many words but I’m saying nothing
Afraid of the consequences of speaking my mind
Marionette hands lifted up in defeat

I belong with you, you’ve given me this truth
So tell me what to do, what you need of me
I’ll give my life, my soul for you
This is the true meaning of friendship

Strafing round and round in a fidgety dance
I use so many words but I’m saying nothing
Afraid of the consequences of speaking my mind
Marionette hands lifted up in defeat

I belong with you, you’ve given me this truth
So tell me what to do, what you need of me
I’ll give my life, my soul for you
This is the true meaning of friendship

Commentary

Cesare's station was no longer safe for me. I had visited after checking out the Spellcaster territory, but the latest notice at Cesare's station was yet another command. I headed back to my station as fast as possible, frantically writing my fears down to try and make yet another notice. I got onto my platform, but all I could do was stand looking at the wall. It felt like I was too heavy, too restrained to move. And once I got my thoughts in order, posting a notice wasn't enough, so I tried singing.

I couldn't escape no natter where I went. People adopt a commanding tone of voice to convince others, all the while insisting they're the victims that are being manipulated and forced to obey. It felt like other people were impinging on me with every notice.

I couldn't say anything around Cesare and his other friends either. But to them, we're peers and equals so there's no problem. At the same time, I was unwilling to leave because I needed interaction and I couldn't find anyone better. I tried expressing myself as much as I was comfortable, but then it always went unheard. I guess deep down I wanted my solitude to be acknowledged by others, ironically. I wanted everyone in the Land of Diverging Realities to glorify solitude with their rhetoric.

Well, once the song was over I saw that Jerome was there. Apparently, he was listening to me the whole time. I was a bit caught off guard, but then I remembered that he left tokens of appreciation by the other rants I put up in my station before.

"Well then, shouldn’t you be joining in?"

"This is your song. Why should I get involved in it? Besides, I prefer being analytical," he replied.

I think he has a lot of interesting material to work with in his station, so I tried telling him it doesn't have to be about strong emotions, but he left without a word.

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