Nurturing My Monstrous Self

April 9, 2024

I've known the lot I've been cast since the BCE.

The City of Gray and Blue.

Lyrics

GABRIEL 1

It’s so unfair that he got out of prison.

GABRIEL 2

Hearing this makes me want to commit murder!

GABRIEL 1

The pile of injustices grows with each passing day.

GABRIEL 3

I hope they come for him, and beat him to a pulp!

CAIN

The pain hits me like a punch to the face
If you can say it to them, you can say it to me

GABRIEL 2

Why should you worry? You’re an innocent girl.

GABRIEL 3

The world may tell you you’re not enough, but you deserve to be happy!

CAIN

They wouldn’t say this to me if they knew
This is the truth that I must not refuse
So disregarding is my imperative
Always walking forward with my head held high

There’s two sides to me:
The broken, scarred beast
Behind the innocent girl you see

There’s two sides to me:
The broken, scarred beast
Behind the innocent girl you see

And let me plainly state:
The one who can’t navigate
The human world is the core of my vulnerability

The crystalline walls cut into me
the consequence of breaking free
Trails of blood pool underneath my feet
I can’t move, I’m so weak
So I curl up and hide deep inside my mind
Where my thoughts wander as they please

But I always come back to this accursed place
Where you say humans are monsters because of their bad deeds
But the root of it all is your own morality

You can say humans are bad, or that they are good,
But good's good and bad's bad, it’s firmly stood
We know what humans do; your thinking’s not new
Binary opposites playing by the same rules

There’s two sides to me:
The broken, scarred beast
Behind the innocent girl you see

And let me plainly state:
The one who can’t navigate
The human world is the core of my vulnerability

Today, I envisioned the mountains stained in red
The power rushing pushing me to move forward
The happy place I went to after clearing my head
Overlaid with peppery dotted panels in a grid
Where I won’t be cast aside for not being "good enough”
Eventually falling prey to your need to be better

There’s two sides to me:
The broken, scarred beast
Behind the innocent girl you see

And let me plainly state:
The one who can’t navigate
The human world is the core of my vulnerability

Commentary

I had settled into my presence at the City of Gray and Blue. I took a walk around Marina Square, the central hub that most shards start in when they visit. Since the square was so busy, only the most popular conversations could be heard here. I was still easily influenced by popularity, so I gravitated towards this place.

A large clothing store caught my eye, one with a lot of empty space and only a few shelves and racks near the walls. There was a lot of commotion--I could see lots of silhouettes on the inside, with waves of shards pouring in and out the doors. I wasn’t fully sure what kind of community this store catered to, so I went to take a look.

It turns out, there was a large screen on the inside that played mostly videos of people getting into altercations. Pictures of many different people covered the walls. I was surrounded by the noise of different conversations, all referring to people getting justly punished. The silhouettes here were densely packed--the shards were conversing in harmony.

I walked around the store, listening to what was being said as a strange discomfort began to come over me. I suddenly felt very defensive, like I was somehow responsible for everything. Without really meaning to, I voiced my hurt out loud.

In that moment, one of the silhouettes reassured me that I was innocent. I turned around, thinking they could see and hear me, but when I looked towards the direction of the voice I saw another figure that resembled a girl. I wasn't caught out by the shards yet, but I was well aware that they would react the same way to me: viewing me as an innocent who needed to be protected up until they finally see the truth, and then the entire store would target me. So I became more cautious, trying to distance myself from the shards as best as I can.

Those thoughts of being evil also began to transport me back to my inner self, where I was spending a lot of my time anyways. A few narratives had emerged by that point, and while they may seem paradoxical each one was appealing in its own way. There was the power fantasy, of truly being able to do anything. Then there was the fantasy of being injured, weak and cared for, or alternatively weak and helpless, only able to accept my own fate. In all three cases, it wouldn't matter if I was evil or good.

And the shards were hungry for power too, yet despite how much they liked referring to people as "monsters" they never noticed the way they swarmed aggressively at the entrance, the vitriol in their loud voices, as though they were ripping apart and feeding on the images on the walls--because in the end, their moral beliefs positioned themselves as superior. And even when a shard opted for the more subversive "I'm a monster", it's always for the same reason. The people on the walls were monsters because they hurt others. The shards were monsters because they indirectly hurt others through the way they live.

I was starting to figure out their distinct attitude--having seen the same conversations repeated in different stores on different days--but the era of labeling them "Gabriel" had yet to start. I just wanted to brush it off and spend time doing what I liked. So I left, leading towards a hangout I was growing quite fond of. But even as I was making my way out, I could still hear the shards making sweeping statements about humanity. I don't look back as I leave.

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