About
Dramatis Personae
Soundcloud
Bandcamp
BCE
1 CE
- Anesthetic Suffix
- EmEtic
- Cyclical Repetition
2 CE
3 CE
- Parasocial Anxiety
- XVIII - The Moon
4 CE
5 CE
6 CE
About
Dramatis Personae
Soundcloud
Bandcamp
BCE
1 CE
2 CE
3 CE
4 CE
5 CE
6 CE
Anesthetic Suffix
Where it all began.
CAIN
WHERE SACRIFICES ARE BURNT IN EXCHANGE FOR PROTECTION¹
THROW A TORCH AND VANQUISH THE CONDEMNED TO PROVE YOU’RE HUMAN
SEEK OUT AND DESTROY GREAT EVIL SO IT CAN LIGHT UP OUR LIVES
ONE DAY, THEY’LL FIND IT IN MY HEART—WHAT’S THE POINT OF TRYING
IF IN THE END I’LL FIND MYSELF BURNED AWAY TO NOTHINGNESS?²
“BE A GOOD PERSON AND YOU’LL HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR”³
SOMEHOW, THOSE WORDS DON’T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE IN ME
BUT WITH THE NEW UNDERSTANDING
I CAN MAKE SENSE OF EVERYTHING
FOLLOWING AN ANCIENT CANON
PARTS REPEATING AND OVERLAPPING THROUGHOUT TIME
TRACING THE OLD STEPS
WRITING NEW LINES TO FIND MY TRUE SELF⁴
FOLLOWING AN ANCIENT CANON
WEAVING IT INTO A NEW EXPLANATION
FROM THE BYGONE DUST
A NEW ME WILL RISE AGAIN
THE SHARDS GATHERED HERE CLAIM TO BE ABOVE THE TRASH THEY HATE⁵
BUT ALL THEIR PRAYERS ARE CALLING DOWN FOR THE SAME SINS
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO CONCLUDE FROM THIS--
IN UPHOLDING YOUR IDEAL, YOU BREAK IT?
IF TIME EXONERATES ME THEN YOU’LL BE TIED HERE TOO SO GIVE ME AN ANSWER!⁶
BUT YOU’RE BLINDED IN A WORLD THAT TELLS YOU WHAT THINGS MUST BE
SO I MUST BRING FORTH THE WORLD THAT WILL SEE THINGS IN MY WAY
“BE A GOOD PERSON AND YOU’LL HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR”
SOMEHOW, THOSE WORDS DON’T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE IN ME
BUT WITH THE NEW UNDERSTANDING
I CAN MAKE SENSE OF EVERYTHING
FOLLOWING AN ANCIENT CANON
PARTS REPEATING AND OVERLAPPING THROUGHOUT TIME
TRACING THE OLD STEPS
WRITING NEW LINES TO FIND MY TRUE SELF
FOLLOWING AN ANCIENT CANON
WEAVING IT INTO A NEW EXPLANATION
FROM THE BYGONE DUST
A NEW ME WILL RISE AGAIN
THE CALL TO ADVENTURE CAME TO ME MANY YEARS AGO⁷
I KNEW I HAD TO LEAVE THAT WHICH IS NORMAL BEHIND
NOW I’M STRADDLING THE LINE BETWEEN FICTION AND REALITY
CROSSING THE THRESHOLD FROM THE NATURAL TO THE ERSATZ
WHEN I SHOW MYSELF THEY’LL LOOK UPON ME IN CONTEMPT⁸
BUT WHEN I REVEAL MY REASONS THEY’LL KNOW IT ALL TO BE REAL
AND SO EVERYTHING STARTS FALLING INTO PLACE
EVEN IF I CAN’T STAY IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE
I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAT I MUST HOLD ONTO
EVEN IF I MUST CARVE MY OWN PATH
TRY TO FIND MY WAY OUT OF HERE
THOUGH I SPENT AIMLESS YEARS LIVING IN THIS PLACE,
NOW I MUST GO OUT INTO THE NEW WORLD I DISCOVERED
GABRIEL
Commentary
"You know...Cain sounds like a shortened version of something feminine. Like Caroline..."
I didn't do a lot with that information at first. I had some other ideas for blogs. But then one day I looked into the story of Cain and Abel. I thought it suited me well, and I realized that I could do something with it. Although, I didn't like "Caroline" that much as a name. So I picked "Catherine" instead.
Then came the realization that I could string everything in my life together to tell a story. I also decided I wanted to tell it through song. Thus marked the start of 1 CE, or "Cain Era". I decided to fill the roles of Abel and God with things that were more personal to me. God ended up being played by a sort of intangible social force, while Abel was played by certain denizens of the City of Gray and Blue, where I stayed during the BCE and 1 CE. Henceforth, they will be known as "Gabriel".
In that place, there is a widespread belief that to be a hero, you have to go after villains. And that's precisely what everybody spends their time doing. By the time of 1 CE, we were mutually suspicious of each other.
Maybe I did do something wrong. There are many different interpretations as to why Abel's sacrifice was preferred, such as Cain not offering the highest quality sacrifice, not offering the right kind of sacrifice, not performing the ritual properly, or not offering in faith (Benson Gen. 4; Ryle Gen. 4). But whatever it is, I've grown bitter ever since realizing I can't be a good person the way Gabriel can.
And so I left the City of Gray and Blue, accepting that I was now in a world different from the one that's widely accepted. I was setting out on an adventure. I hoped that I would be able to change the world with the help of what I was creating, that I could make Gabriel confront their own flaws.
But that's all just to set the scene. Even though I wasn't officially part of the city anymore, I'd occasionally return--and when I did, my presence didn't exist to the rest of the city. I'd visit the places I used to frequent. The day "Anesthetic Suffix" takes place, I was walking along the streets, wondering if I'd see Gabriel again.
Eventually I came across a small crowd gathered in front of a store. I walked through the crowd and saw that they were all gathered around a video in the window. I quickly realized it was just another villain whose defeat allowed Gabriel to feel superior and protected. Out of frustration, I tried to grab at the figure next to me, but my hand passed cleanly through the figure. Of course it did. What did I think was going to happen?
But I knew it was for the best. I walked away after that to try and cool off. I walked until I reached one of my regular spots, one where the conversations were bearable. Yet, when I came face-to-face with the door I hesitated. I decided to keep walking instead, and I walked until I reached somewhere unfamiliar. At this point I calmed down, and I started to sing.
Of course, after I got all my thoughts out, I could’ve sworn I heard Gabriel say the exact words I feared hearing from the people here, but as I took note of the figures and shards surrounding me I saw that they were all involved in their own conversations and squabbles. So I kept walking.
Notes
2 By the time of 1 CE, I believed that I was a bad person and that I was going to be sacrificed because of it. However, Gabriel's belief in their city's ways remain steadfast. It's a lot like the Targums' expansion on Genesis 4:8, where Cain grows disillusioned with the world's principles and argues that the reason for his rejection is that the world doesn't favor him. Abel responds that the world does value goodness objectively and that he has simply done better. (Byron 67-69).
3 In the Genesis narrative, a proposed reason for God's rejection of Cain is that there is something wrong with his sacrifice (Lohr 492). In the city, an inadequate sacrifice is seen as suspicious.
4 I suppose you can think of it as imitative counterpoint. The original narrative serves as the motif which gets repeated and changed across different adaptations, portrayals, commentaries, etc. and I try to weave myself together with all those things.
5 In the City of Gray and Blue, everyone appears as shards which clump together into human-shaped masses. Each person still sees themselves as a whole person. Thus, I'm not a shard when I am in the city. However, I am but a lone shard to everyone else. Since I did not sing this song to anyone else, my presence wasn't revealed.
6 I believe that Gabriel is a huge hypocrite, however they do not see things the same way. Maybe I'm out to "kill" them by making them understand. And if Gabriel understood, they'd probably race to sacrifice each other.
7 I suppose I had been "refusing the call" for many years at that point. And by "refusing the call" I mean staying in the City of Gray and Blue and pretending that nothing was wrong.
8 Aside from the desire to be good, the desire to be normal is really common in the city. Thus, in chasing that desire they seek out and label "crazy" people and traits. To them, I've just been deluded into thinking I'm a fictional character which I cannot be in reality.
Works Cited